Interview with Jordan Ashmore

To find out how the (Whole)-listic Wellness Series came to be, click here.

On the surface, Jordan Ashmore seems to have it all - she’s got a supportive family, travels the world with her boyfriend, and is an actress living out her dream job daily. What’s not to love? 

In reality though, she struggles with borderline personality disorder; a condition characterised by difficulties regulating emotion. 

In this interview, she shares more about her journey, the stigma around BPD that keeps her from sharing her struggle, and what has helped her most in her recovery and the progress she has made. 

Given that BPD isn’t a commonly known mental illness, how did you get diagnosed? 

During my teenage years, I struggled with depression. As I transitioned into early adulthood, my symptoms got progressively worse - my behaviour and thoughts were all over the place and I felt like a pendulum oscillating between feeling suicidal to loving life. 

I was initially diagnosed with bipolar disorder and was given medication (lithium). It actually made me way worse - I had more manic type episodes, felt physically unwell and just out of control of my own body. It was horrible. 

After getting worse on medication, however, I sought a second opinion and was eventually diagnosed with BPD. For those who don’t know, Borderline personality disorder is also known as emotionally unstable personality disorder to give a better idea of it. 

How did you feel after getting the “right” diagnosis? 

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I had never actually heard of BPD so I was just shocked and confused. 

There was definitely a wave of relief because when my psychologist went through the symptoms, it felt like he was reading my life story. I finally felt understood and hopeful. 

At the same time, I remember how he shared that BDP is one of the hardest mental health disorders to treat. I didn’t think it to be true… but it definitely is. Recovery is hard work. 

What does a “bad day” look like for you? 

I have 2 types of bad days. 

The first is feeling absolutely nothing. I’m not unhappy by any means and I can go about my day to day life just like anyone else BUT I don’t feel any semblance of emotion. I laugh because everyone else is laughing, I don’t feel any love towards my job or boyfriend, and I lose sight of who I am. 

The second type of “bad days” involves angry outbursts and hearing voices. This usually starts with me getting triggered by something and before I know it, my whole body is filled with intense rage. It’s as though there’s something inside me that I feel incapable of getting out. I also hear voices that tell me to say vile things to people so they leave me alone; the voices are relentless and sometimes I’ll self- harm hoping they’ll stop. 

It’s horrible. 

With the intense rage and deafening voices, any ability to make rational decisions literally go out the window. As much as I fight and want to calm down, I physically can’t. 

After calming down, though, I tend to have an overflow of guilt and feel drained from the episode. 

How about a “good day”?

A good day for me is waking up feeling motivated to go to the gym and get on with my to-do list. 

It’s going about my day feeling connected to my loved ones and grateful to get through the day episode free. 

In other words, I am my happy bubbly self. 

How open are you about your BPD? 

I went in and out of the hospital a lot for BPD so my parents naturally knew I struggled with mental health issues. At the same time, I was very blasé and played the diagnosis down when I shared it with them. 

Most of my friends don’t know about my BPD because I have a fear that I’ll lose friendships if I’m open about my struggles (which is why I’m sure many will be surprised when they read this interview). 

Where do you think that fear stems from? 

There’s definitely an ongoing stigma; not just toward BDP but towards mental health in general. 

There’s the idea that those struggling with mental health conditions, especially those that involve self harm or outbursts, can be “threats” or harmful to society. 

That couldn’t be further from the truth. 

Many times, once I’ve calmed down, I can process what has happened and see it from a more rational angle. 

What other stigmas do you think there are, particularly around BPD?

That it’s a lost cause and that those struggling with it are impossible to help. 

In Singapore, for example, the Institute of Mental Health admits patients for every other disorder but not BPD. It’s a horrible feeling to be categorised as “angry, dangerous, and threatening”... which is so far from reality. 

I feel like like the stigma is often based on certain “extreme” cases and a misrepresentation of everyone who struggles with BPD (especially for those, like me, who struggle with “quiet BPD”). 

I’ve also been “rejected” by many health insurance companies despite them covering other psychiatric conditions such as depression or eating disorders. 

Needless to say, that often just left me feeling abondoned and hopeless- ironic since that was what I was trying to get treatment for! 

It breaks my heart that in 2020, there’s still so much stigma surrounding BPD. That’s part of why I’ve kept it secret for so long.

Given all the stigma and lack of awareness around BDP, who have you shared your struggles with? 

My boyfriend. He’s the one person I’m completely open and honest with. 

Something about BPD is that my emotions can swing from one extreme to another within a matter of hours. I literally could have an outburst of rage or feel suicidal but be completely fine and even optimistic just two hours later (something that makes it very different from bipolar disorder or depression). 

Given the amount of time I spent with my boyfriend, it became harder to hide since he saw the highs and lows firsthand. Making the decision to tell him was hard but I’m so glad I did. 

I’m so thankful that he's continued to support me and continues to make an effort to learn more about BPD. He’s even come to therapy with me. 

What are some important traits he possesses that help? 

His patience and reassuring nature.

He’s patient with me when I’m irritable, agitated, and when he’s waiting for me to calm down from angry outbursts. 

He constantly reassures me that he loves me and reminds me that BPD doesn’t define me. 

When I can’t get out of bed because I have suicidal thoughts, he reassures me that the thoughts will pass. He’s much more practical and always has a plan to make me feel safe. 

What are some coping mechanisms you employ regularly? 

Having gone through years of therapy, I’ve definitely learnt a lot about myself and what coping mechanisms work/ don't work. I’ve learnt that different coping mechanisms help in different situations. 

If I’m having a “numb” day/ week, I try and get on with it knowing that I will start feeling emotions again at some point. 

If I start to feel the rage or outbursts coming on, I know that the best thing is to stop them before they escalate into something worse. In those instances, cold water is my best friend. I jump straight into a cold shower or pool; the cold water and shock of it calms me down. 

If I’m starting to feel overwhelmed and can’t cope with what I’m feeling or have racing thoughts, I watch something funny or try and see my friends.

Having gone through years of therapy, which forms have  proven the most beneficial? 

Dialectical behavioural therapy, otherwise known as talk therapy,  has helped me a lot. After my bad experience with medication, I try to avoid it as it makes me feel paranoid. 

Ultimately, though, I think the best “therapy” has been being in a solid relationship, talk therapy, and making sure I take part in exercise regularly. Those keep me happy and have led me feeling the best I’ve ever felt in a long time. 

“The best you’ve ever felt in a long time” - how did you get to this place? What are some steps you’ve taken? 

It’s been a journey and one that I know is not over yet. 

I’ve taken responsibility of my BPD rather than asking “why me”. I’ve stopped playing the victim. 

I used to run away from help. Now, though, I run towards help knowing that I never want to go backwards in recovery. I’m in a position now to realise that I never want it to consume my whole life again. 

There are definitely days that are harder than others but I know that all I can do is my best - even if that’s a day of work or just getting dressed, it's still something! 

I also remind myself that I have the full ability to ride these waves of emotions. I used to fight my thoughts and emotions; they felt like they would never end and I hated how hopeless that made me feel. At the end of the day, though, they always did. I try to remember that when I feel bouts of anger, depression, or numbness - I have the ability to ride the emotions out till they end. 

What advice do you have for those struggling with their mental health? 

You aren’t alone. 

Whether you talk to family or friends about your struggles or read a book on the subject, just do things that remind you that you’re not the only one struggling.

Also, try different approaches. When I initially shared my struggles with certain friends and family, they didn’t understand or know what it was. What helped at that point, though, was reading books written by women with BPD. 

How about advice for those supporting individuals with mental health health struggles? 

I’d say to be as patient as possible. Take the time to Google or read about it, even if it’s hard to understand at first. Knowledge is power.